Can I Trust Him? Should I? How Can I Know? | Coach Jack Ito PhD ...

He tells me I should trust him.? I want to, but I can?t.

The purpose of trust is to build relationships by taking progressively bigger risks as trustworthiness is earned.? If we want to trust God, we need to take some small risks and see if He lives up to His promises.? The same is also true for learning to trust people.? And, although it might be safer never to trust, that would cheat us out of deep relationships.? A total lack of trust would just keep up disconnected and alone.

?But, can?t trusting also damage relationships??

It?s not the trusting which damages the relationship.? It is the other person?s actions when they do harm to us.? That?s why we must only take small risks at first, until the person has really earned the trust that comes with a close relationship.? In rebuilding trust, the same is true.? It does sometimes happen that someone who has built a lot of trust does something very harmful.? If there is a solid base to the relationship, those things can be worked through, even though they leave an emotional scar.? However, not giving trust where it is earned would do even more harm to a relationship.? There is no love without trust, but there is no trust without risk.

Improve the odds by not trusting someone based on words of love or promises to change

Start to use trust in a healthy way by recognizing that trust can only be earned by the actions of another person.? It cannot be earned by words.? Women are particularly prone to trust men based on the words they use (?He said he loves me, so I know he won?t?? ?He promised me he wouldn?t do it again?? ?He told me that I can trust him??).? Words should be as useless for earning trust as they are for talking a vending machine into giving you a soda.

Don?t jump into someone?s net and don?t give your heart to someone you hardly know

In other words, at the beginning of a relationship, you have little or no experience with someone.? So, you shouldn?t take physical risks like meeting the person at your home or in a secluded place.? You also shouldn?t take emotional risks like committing to heart to someone right away.? What do you do instead?? You meed for coffee at the mall.? If he or she shows up, he or she has earned one trust point.? What does that buy him or her?? Possibly a second date if you have a good time, but still public until you can verify his or her identity, and inform others.

Common mistakes unmarried women make that lead to trust problems

Many of the unmarried women that I work with have made the mistake of committing to a man before they really knew him well, and then had their heart broken soon after.? That comes from a desire or need to have a relationship so much that they fall in love with their idea of who their boyfriend is before they find out who he really is.? And, they have committed without ever meeting his family or friends.? A man who wont introduce you to his family or friends is hiding something.? My rule of thumb regarding commitment for women is, ?Don?t commit to a man before he commits to you.?? And you can only know he has committed to you by his behaviors, such as I mentioned above.

Now, how about for people who are in a long term relationship, like marriage, and they are wondering if they should trust their spouse?

Again, don?t go by your partner?s words, and don?t risk more than you can afford to lose.? If your spouse has driven you into bankruptcy and now wants free access to your bank account, there should be some evidence that his or her spending behavior has changed.? Even so, you should only grant access to a small amount of money.? Anything which is yours should be risked a little in order to allow your partner the opportunity to build trust without dealing you a crushing blow.? If your partner has cheated on you, you also don?t want to just give your whole heart right away, but you do need to risk it a little.? Without planting a seed, nothing can grow..

How much should I control my spouse?s behaviors when he or she is trying to rebuild trust?

Well, you don?t want to become controlling, because that will only push him or her away.? Also, you don?t want to take your spouse?s word for it that he or she isn?t doing anything wrong.? That means that your spouse has to be accountable to you in order to rebuild trust.? You need to be able to check up on him or her.? This is only for cases where your spouse has already severely broken your trust.? A spouse who is unwilling to be accountable during the trust rebuilding process cannot be trusted.? Also, as much as you may not want to, you have to do the checking.? Otherwise, trust can?t be rebuilt.? If you need your spouse to pee on a stick to prove that he or she isn?t drinking or using drugs, for example, then do it.? It will help more than it will hurt.? But, if your spouse is not trying to rebuild your trust, you would do nothing of the sort.? You would focus on protecting yourself, instead.

Besides the accountability, there is one more very important factor that men and women often forget about.

Along with accountability, your spouse should be working on the marriage with you.? Your relationship should be improving in other ways so that you can become more valuable to each other.? Spouse?s who have high value are less likely to have a partner that cheats or hurts him or her in any way.? The reason for this is that when you are a valuable partner, and when your spouse also respects you (knows you won?t put up with any nonsense), the risk is transferred to your spouse and not to you.? He or she will be the one with something to lose if he or she does the untrustworthy behaviors. Controlling people have low value.? People who just go along with anything also have low value.? High value comes from being a loving and helpful partner who has good boundaries.

I hope that you see that being controlling, and making threats have no part in giving trust or rebuilding trust.

Instead, it has to do with you taking small risks and not over-committing your heart way past the point where your partner or spouse is.? It also means having good boundaries which will build your spouse?s respect, while you also work on being a loving and helpful partner, which will build your value.? It has been my experience that for people who have been repeatedly hurt, used, or abused, they have very poor boundaries and do not know how to communicate love while also being tough.? Those are the things that they will need to learn to stop being a victim and to start having close relationships.? Some of these things can be learned from books, such as my What to Do When He Won?t Change.? For more intense help, there is counseling and marriage and relationship coaching.

Source: http://coachjackito.com/blog/can-i-trust-him-how-can-i-know/

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